By LISA MELCHIORRI
''May I,'' ''please'' and ''thank you'' are very powerful tools.

Metaphorically speaking, every child is given a toolbox in life, and adding etiquette and manners gives them one of their many lifetime social tools. Knowing and understanding what these words mean enables us to move forward.

Etiquette is about clarity, honesty and self-esteem; it's knowing how to act. Manners is a set of rules whereby you succeed in life; it's how you treat others. Protocol is knowing the order of things. In today's business world the term protocol is most often used instead of etiquette because it sounds more businesslike and professional.

Unfortunately, children today are being influenced by a culture that says that it's OK to be disrespectful and self-destructive. Parents used to get gray hairs from fretting over why Susie couldn't read. Now parents are just as likely to sprout gray hairs from anxiety over why Susie can't behave in public.

Parents are concerned, and rightly so. They're searching for help.

Our children need to take a walk back to traditional values. They need to learn how to introduce themselves with confidence, understand the value of a smile, shake hands with ease, make eye contact with the person to whom they are speaking, appreciate the importance of kindness and polite conversation, know how to write thank you notes, practice good sportsmanship, use telephone etiquette and dining skills and much more. All of these are learned leadership skills our children will use forever.

Think of all the things we spend money on to enhance our child's education: music lessons, athletics, drama, etc. Social skills and common courtesy need to be reintroduced to provide our children with a well-rounded future.

More significantly, youngsters are more inclined to regard teachers rather than parents as authority figures on subjects like proper behavior. A child whose manners are corrected by a parent usually doesn't hear it. But when a teacher corrects a child, the message generally comes across. All of a sudden, Mom and Dad aren't crazy or nagging anymore. They're making sense, and the child is receiving the necessary reinforcement.

Etiquette and good manners are crucial ingredients for success in the global economy. It's fair to state that etiquette and good manners are ''hard assets'' on the road to success. It is important for our children to learn these skills now and be comfortable with themselves in any given situation.

Our youths need to acquire the leadership skills so necessary for their future. Teenagers graduating from high school must know how to handle themselves through that all-important and difficult college interview process; they need to feel empowered. At this stage they are learning ''adult'' behavior, spending less time with their parents and developing leadership skills and self-confidence.

Our college graduates need these tools to venture into the business world, right on up to proper table manners and social skills. Today's young professionals will discover that good manners will hasten their climb up the corporate ladder. They need to know how to behave and properly interact with their international counterparts. As we all know, our world is becoming smaller and smaller, and our young professionals need to be prepared as they move forward within this global economy.

Professional businessmen and women are now being challenged by this worldwide competition. Companies that conduct international trade have been the first to acknowledge this urgent need. These companies want to hire men and women who possess ''soft skills'' - knowing how to make appropriate client introductions; understanding and respecting precedence; or selecting the right fork at a six-course dinner.

Based on research conducted by Harvard University, the Carnegie Foundation, and the Stanford Research Institute, ''Technical skills and knowledge account for 15 percent of the reason you get a job, keep a job and advance in a job. Eighty-five percent of your job success is connected to your people skills.'' Excellent communicators listen with their ears, eyes and mind to what people are saying. They do not interrupt. They wait for the other person to finish speaking before speaking themselves. These are important soft skills.

Dorothea Johnson, founder of The Protocol School of Washington, said, ''Do you remember the old three Rs taught to us in school? Reading, 'riting, 'rithmatic. I'd like to introduce you to the new three Rs: record, recall, re-create. I record in my memory what I hear or see. Then I can recall it, which enables me to re-create what I recorded. I record, I recall and then I re-create.''

Lisa Melchiorri of East Falmouth is a certified etiquette consultant and founder and director of Etiquette & Manners. For information on her children's etiquette and dining program, call her at 508-540-2120.

(Published: March 23, 2006)

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